dear Innernets,
last night I tried to poison my children.
It started off as a day just like any other one - with John Humphries haranguing some dopey politician as I stirred my son's porridge to a cooked state and shared some choice words with my daughter about brushing her hair before going to school.
I was stitched up by two UNO sharks in a competitive game of cards after lunch.
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To recover my composure I went into the kitchen and set four lamb shanks to slow cook in a pot with some garlic, vinegar, brown sugar, onions, water, bacon, passata and just a little bit of red wine. I thought it would be all right to deviate from the recipe a little. There was no dark sugar left so I just used the pale brown sugar. I thought it would be okay, honest.
The oven was on a low medium heat, it was what the recipe said and later, again like I was supposed to, I turned it down to low for the last hour of cooking. Okay, perhaps I used a little bit too much vinegar but it really isn't very easy to obtain accurate measurements when you are pouring from a five litre container.
I checked the potatoes for green skin, they seemed normal. And the broccoli had only been purchased a few days before. It had been included in dinner on Monday so I felt safe using it. Oh! If only I had known.
You see Innernets, at 6'o'clock last night I sat my children at the table and forced them to eat real food. There wasn't a piece of cheese, pasta or other standard set meal in this house in sight..jpg)
I have learned my lesson and they have promised to stop making retching noises when I suggest something different for dinner.
Wicked, wicked Mommy!
ReplyDelete*runs to the phone to call whatever governmental agency Brits have that is similar to Children and Youth Services*
Ah yes .... the old inverse correlation between amount eaten and time and care taken to prepare. Sometimes its just better to crack open a tin, don't you think?
ReplyDeleteReal Food!! What a way to kill your child, you cruel mummy you! Quiche almost killed my child, he would almost throw up at the table and turn us right off our meal, think I lost alot of weight during that period of my life!!
ReplyDeleteOh those poor children, I'm going to report you to AI.
ReplyDeleteYou've been watching Jamie Oliver again, haven't you?
ReplyDeleteI must confess I have been guilty of the same sin on occasion. I can no longer stand the gagging noises however, so have given it up for a little while.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like a delicious meal though - did all the stuff they left mean more for you and CK? Every cloud .... eh?
x
hmm....that Oliver bloke makes it all look so simple, doesn't he?
ReplyDeleteIn future it's a GLASS of wine, not a BOTTLE, and just a smidge of vinegar, you're not having fish and chips, lady.
Beans on toast tonight?
Sounds absolutely magnificent! Lucky kids - they'll get to love it as time passes...
ReplyDeleteMust confess I force my kids to eat such toxic offerings on a regular basis. I have a daughter whose favourite meal is stuffed marrow!
ReplyDeleteWe really excelled ourselves last night and made both of them eat cooked mushrooms. As usual Minx coped brilliantly whilst her brother gagged as if being fed a death cap!!
One day they will thank you for forcing them to eat such dreadful concoctions.....or then again the trauma may turn them into 'freaky eaters' who only eat cheese :)
xxx
p.s. we had egg'n'chips last night ;-)
I'm afraid I was guilty of the same sin last night. I forced my children to eat Jamie Olivers Roast Chicken and Cous Cous recipe. Clearly I was unaware of the fact that cherry tomatoes should never, under any circumstances be served COOKED! Silly Mummy, how could I have made such a simple error?
ReplyDeleteI swear my kids are getting alphabet spagetti and toast from now on! Ungrateful little buggers ;P
xMx
I too have been guilty of the same sin this week. One child looked (just looked) at his plate of real food and ran to the toilet to throw up whilst the other one burst into tears and said he wasn't hungry.
ReplyDeleteSo last night we had sausage, mash and beans and tonight is meat balls.
Neither of mine eat anything green - except of course sweets.
Uh Oh! Does not sound like fun. This is why we have been making Zoe eat "real food" since she could chew it! Oh we still get the same remarks and comments out of her but a tad less dramatic I think. My SIL on the other hand is about to have her 5th child and she scts like a chef at dinner preparing something different because none of her kids have ever been made to eat what was fixed...she gives them whatever they want...BIG BIG BIG mistake if you ask me. Ever watch John and Kate plus 8? I want her tricks of the trade... those kids eat anything she gives them with hardly ever a complaint? How does she do it!??!?!
ReplyDeleteDYING to know what Michaela put on the table to get such a reaction!!!!
ReplyDeleteOh you cruel and wicked mother! How could you be so mean?
ReplyDeleteLucy x
P.S has your keyboard recovered yet?
From experience they do eventually learn to eat real food if you keep force feeding them or only giving them bread and water!
ReplyDeleteyou wicked wicked woman you!!
ReplyDeleteYou should not be eating-you have a very teeny wedding dress to fit into my dear!
ReplyDeletePersevere my dear! They'll thank for for it one day - just not any day soon. My boys were a complete pain to feed until one day I just got fed up with the wingeing and gradually introduced my own version of the stuff they'd eat willingly and it took off from there. I got them to accept that tastes change as they grew older so would offer previously rejected foods regularly 'just to try' often with good results. By the time they left home, they both ate most things and could both cook proper meals from scratch. The elder even bakes cakes and makes desserts! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteSend them over my way! I'll serve them cod, lutefisk (google that...), pinnekjøtt (google that too...)bacalao, herring,deersteak...they'll come back home and beg for (and eat) whatever you serve:-)
ReplyDelete...but I was going to say: what you served, looked and sounded delicious!!!
ReplyDeletedear missus trashy,
ReplyDeleteour clients have brought to our attention the eggregious fact that you have tried to serve them REAL FOOD. this is completely unacceptable, please stop immediately. when in doubt as to what constitutes a proper dinner for younger individuals, please attempt to affix the prefix "MAC" to said foodstuffs. in this manner you will see that whilst "mac-nugget" is an excellent choice, "mac-lamb-n-broccoli-n-whatever's-in-that-sauce" is emphatically *NOT*.
thank you for your attention to this matter.
sincerely,
the firm of knott, eaton, wreale & dinnerz, solicitors
ps: our clients have asked that we submit our bill directly to you for payment. please send a check for L500.00 by return post. thank you.
Did your children not like the food?...sounded good to me. But what do I know I am only an adult. Hah!
ReplyDeletedon't you hate it too, that everyone else's children seem to eat gourmet food and it's only yours that can eat clean white food! well, that seems to be the case with me. mind you we did go camping with a boy who didn't like.....wait for it.....sausages, pizza or spaghetti bolognase. how weird is that?
ReplyDeleteby the way, your dinner sounded absolutely delish - you can cook for me any day!!!
l
x
Ooh, ooh, me too. Should we start a club? A 12 step programme? "My name is Kate and I am a child poisoner". Last night I forced my children to eat (homemade) cauliflower and mushroom biryani. Yes, I said mushrooms (one of three likes them, actually). Which of us is the worse mother?
ReplyDelete