Early memories

My girl, my Princess CurlyWurly as was, is doing her first year of GCSEs this year. That means that she is half way through her teenagerdom and only has four term of formal schooling left. I know. Let's all just take a minute.

One of her electives is Psychology and they have been discussing memory. Apparently she is able to pinpoint her earliest memory to an exact date and time. She remembers the streetlights being very close to her head and hands as her Dada carried her around the corner to a friend's house at early-in-the-morning'o'clock while I stayed home birthing her little brother.

Mine in the other hand is sitting on the bench front seat of my parents' Kingswood station wagon playing with my best beloved teddy bear, Snowy. We were at Naringal School to celebrate its centenary, I guess I was 3 or 4.

I hope that her earliest memory engenders the same feeling of comfort and love that I get from mine.

I feel so grown-up

In the last two days I have dealt with financial advisors and financial matters in an effective and (vaguely) professional manner, organised holiday get togethers for destructoBoy so that when his sister is at Scout Camp he has something to do AND I have instructed a builder!!!!!

Yes I have!

There will actually be real live building work taking place at my house this Summer. Oh! And OH!

Omigod.Omigod.Omigod.

A 3am list.

I was awake for over an hour from three in the early hours of Saturday morning. This is the equivalent of 13 years without sleep for most people. The combination of CK snoring through a blocked nose and me going over and over my shitty meeting w destructoBoy's teacher meant sleep was elusive. So I started making lists.

My first list involved ways of getting said teacher disbarred/struck off/defrocked because when you are stupid enough to question my parenting skills you deserve everything you get. Alas this wasn't getting me closer to sleep, I was having far too much fun. To try and put me in the mood a little I started to list all of the places I have fallen asleep -

• couch


• bed


• floor


• loo


• dining table


• cinema


• theatre


• Indian head massage


• car


• bus


• train


• tube


• coach


• restaurant


• church


• pedicure


• garden


• public park


• churchyard


• during a filling at dentist


• standing up


• while speaking


• in the hammock

And now I can add *while making lists* as it was suddenly 6:30 am and My Assistant was demanding to be let out for a wee.

Street Party Review

Lovely day. Sun came out occasionally. Loads of lovely new people met. Dogs happily running around scarfing dropped food. Son played football. Daughter coloured in chalk bunting decorating the pavements.

Played boules. Had a go an Alpine horn, sadly seem to have lost my embouchure but hit a few notes. Drenched after waterballoon-tossing competition went badly awry. Broke my son, not a good plan to burst a waterbomb down the neck of a sobbing child. Especially not when you caused the pain-based sobs in the first place.

Shared food with friends. ''Bobby on the beat" biscuits seemingly a success. Bought raffle tickets. Didn't win a single prize. Didn't win the cake competition either.

Had a great afternoon and plans are already afoot for the Jubilee in 2012.

The Oncoming Storm

Easter Saturday tomorrow and the clouds come rolling in.

My bastard b-i-l is coming to stay for a couple of nights.

Some of us may have reacted with poor grace to this news.

Ever wondered what living in a cloud is like?

It is damp

and grey

with limited visibility.

Dear Sunshine, two days wasn't enough. Please come back soon. Love, trash

Even over the innernets she works her dark magic!

Have just googled the names of the last children I nannied.

One of them is mentioned in today's Daily Mail.

Another in tagged in newspaper picture from a swish 50th birthday party last year for Lord High Sooper-Dooper Lani-Pants.

The mother is even coming up as being on Facebook!

As for the third child, a couple of pages filled with references to her popped up onscreen and then my computer fastracked itself to a virus scan that in itself is a con.

Even now, nearly 20 years later, she is making my life hard work. That woman had access to bad forces when she was a little girl and her power seems only to have grown stronger.

Forget the redeeming features shown in 'Wicked', this kid is 100% the Wicked Witch of the East.

In the past month...

I have ...

* finalised plans for new kitchen/living room building (Yippee! Woohoo! And Yay!) .

* nearly left my husband during IKEA trip to id potential kitchens (not that he even realised but I felt better for considering it).

* transported four highly excited under 9s through the wilds of Wiltshire to their first chess tournament. They only came 8/12 bc of a mahoosive amount of adult-sanctioned cheating by other schools. Seriously a headmaster who calls his under 9 pupils 'stupid' bc they lost a chess match??

* realised not every family plays maths and history and word games during 'long' car trips'! Who knew?

* mortified my son by banning the use of all the blurry DS consoles those children had for an hour during the six we spent at said tournament.

* been reminded of all the fabulous and exciting history there is on our doortsep here in Engerland.

* not been asked for interview to a job I would have loved.

* bought my daughter a new school bag following on from the saga last term.

* met old friend and children (inc god daughter) for lunch in beautiful Cathedral surrounds.

* had verbal smackdown with Mr. HeadTeacher twice. Once about the crazy-arse parking that goes on down there and the other about having held the door for the ENTIRE school (inc one teacher) and only one child said thank you. (And it wasn't my son, about which we have since had words ;-)

* had a meeting about teaching capability of destructoBoy's teacher because he is bored in class, every day.
* been called scarey by a parent at school.
* dobbed in stupid Yr. 8 students clever enough to hide out of sight from staff when smoking at playtime but sufficiently stupid to stand next to railing fence right beside road.

* praised highly to teacher the one child who did thank me for holding open school door.

* extremely lately handed over handmade birthday present to good friend and I think she liked it.

* had double success over at Posh Yarns Sunday night sellout. I foresee perhaps a hat for Princess C-W for Christmas with the pink sparkly one and the kicking-off off a garter stitch scarf kal this Friday with the chunky cashmere.

* nursed destructoboy through a whole month of ear infection. This entailed four visits to the doctors, three lots of antibiotics and one fight with the rottweilerXdoctors' receptionist. TG it has cleared up now and he is playing at top speed again.

* received a phonecall from YOT telling me my phone was being kept in their safe overnight if I would like to come and collect it the following morning. Oops!!
* recognised it is still six months away but have made a decision on d/Boy's birthday present.
* identified OMD's episodes as being epilepsy not a stroke.
* watched freezing on the sidelines as my son captained the under 9s to a distinct non-victory at the local schools football tournament. I was the screeching woman on the sidelines but offset my mania by cheering for the other teams too.

* purchased outfit for 80th birthday party this Saturday.

* attended Princess C-W's first ever secondary parent/teacher evening. Unlike most of her peers she didn't attend and so didn't hear how well-regarded she is by her teachers and how well she is doing in her classes. There was a little glow about us as parents by the end of it all. And I didn't even start-up on her History teacher. Perhaps it was bc she looked so knackered after dealing w grown-ups all evening. Perhaps it was bc she was our last stop and we could go home afterwards. I don't know why but remain impressed that I maintained my silence when she referred to 'our written conversation earlier in the year' and how she 'always encourages parents to help with the homework'. HA!

* taken the big black dog to the vet with a sore eye. Am hoping to stave off need to do this again.

* had The Bat Lady around to visit and am sending off her report today. This in turn means we apply for planning permission by the end of the week. If you want to voice an objection you have two months to lodge it with the relevant authority!

A result I hadn't expected.

The Bat Lady has just been.

The tools of her trade seem to be no more than a ladder, a notepad, a pencil and a really big torch.

She looked out the back at the section onto which we will be building.

"Is this it?" She said in a slightly accusatory fashion, staring at the roof with an inch and half gap between two slates.

Ummmm ... yes." I replied wondering what more I could offer her.

Is there no roof access from inside?"

"No. None."

"Well I shall have to look into the loft space of the main roof as well. To make sure there are no bats at all.

"Really? It means moving furniture you know. And we won't be building near that roofline."

"I'll just go and get my ladder."

"Oh."

So while she magicked a mahoosive ladder from her car I corralled the three Hounds of the Baskervilles behind one locked door before dashing up the stairs throwing detritus into appropriate rooms and slamming doors. Unfortunately the last one I slammed on my thumb.

With wardrobe moved, ladder in place and loft hatch opened she fired up her torch. This is a torch that demands respect. A torch that might well have its own fiefdom somewhere. To be honest if I were a bat I would probably hide as soon as I saw the light from this behemoth arcing toward me.

Within five minutes she was back down shaking her head.

"Let's go back outside.

So we stood out behind the house discussing exactly why there are **NO BATS** on the property and what needs to be done to prevent them turning up. Turns out a North (= no sun fyi you Antipodeans) facing aspect is a major no no for pteropines. She also suggested I immediately lay waste to the tangled hedgerow of brambles, honeysuckle and Mexican Orange Blossom that now stands about 9 foot across by eight foot high and three foot deep right on the boundary where we want to build before the birds start nesting in it.

So after seeing her safely out the drive I dashed into town and bought the most girlie looking pair of gauntlets you have ever seen in your life and will be using them to wave farewll to all the bats that don't live up here on The Hill.

... and the horse you rode in on!

Out walking with my assistant this morning when internationally reknowned photographer said

"What are you wearing on your feet? Are they some kind of boots or something?"

I looked down at the bright orange and turquoise trainers topped by my bright orange and lime green swirly socks visible under the hem of my long skirt.

"These are my socks. Handknitted, took me forever but I made them." I replied feeling quite perky and capable.

"You could have just gone to BHS and got some. Would have been much easier."

To which all my mind could think (and fortunately mouth did not say) was

"Well a photobooth would do for portraits of my children but I still asked you to do it!"

Oh and then she called me scarey!!

Is it me? Is it??

Heavily insulated knickers

Enquired after an acquaintance's child on Friday. She had been in Princess C-W's tutor group until Christmas but left to attend a nearby private (public) school. I had assumed it was for snobbish reasons; this family live in the valley off The Hill where all the money resides, their other daughters go to swish sounding schools in the closest Cathedral city and the dad has been invited to a flash wedding on April 29.

It wasn't. It was for sound educational ones that benefit their daughter's needs and was made after in-depth family discussions with the others who are receiving a state education. This will teach me the error of assumption.

I explained to this mother that I had been to a school run by the same nuns and that the backbone of the order was education and bringing out the best in every girl whatever her capability. I commended her on their choice and wished their daughter the very best and hoped she would pass on Princess C-W's best wishes also as she missed their daughter.

I walked off back to Maria Juanita Conchita Gonzalez all the way waiting for the gods to strike me down for lying through my teeth. Although, perhaps things have changed since my day and they really are now living up to the founding principles of the order? Until I am sure I will pulling on those special unders to channel that lightning safely away.

Urgent help required. All input gratefully received.

Have received an invite to a party.

A friend's 80th birthday party.

It will be in a swish hotel.

It is a dinner dance.



A dinner dance!



I have never been to a dinner dance in my life.

They are an event from my childhood that involved my mother dressing up and going out with a group of friends. Wearing long dresses, blue eyeshadow and enough hairspray to stick together all the fallen down bits of the Great Wall of China.

I am willing to go with some hairspray but really DON'T want the blue eyeshadow but my major problem is what do I wear???

I have a good line in long cardigans, a-line skirts and comfortable shoes. I don't think I do dinner dancewear. I'm not even sure what it is! All I can remember is my mother wearing a fabric flower on a velvet ribbon around her neck. Perhaps if I got a big enough flower no one would notice what else I had on. Or didn't ;-)

Suggestions gratefully received. I only have a month.

Birthdays in England.

This is what happens you know.



I have just over six hours to go.

Alone. All alone.

So here I am, the day before the end of January and I have been kicked out of my home.

I shouldn't complain really I suppose.

The sun is shining. The sky is blue and finally the temperature has risen into positive numbers. That and the fact that my banishment is only temporary. As I wait for the ping of the text message to say I am allowed back I am sitting ina flash chain coffe shop at a table with comfy seats. I have an uber-trashy newspaper, CK's baby laptop, my knitting plus a MAHOOSIVE hot chocolate has been consumed.

One can only imagine the things that are taking place back at Trash Towers.

Last year during my exclusion they were designing and decorating the '40' magnet that now adorns my fridge. The year before I walked the dogs in the bitter cold and dark while they secretly baked a cake. Apparently it was CK's determination to keep it secret that stopped him washing the dishes that were already waiting to be done. You see, he didn't want me becoming suspicious so he only did the implements of baking. He was corrected of this misapprehension very swiftly.

Tomorrow will show the results of today's adventures.

So anyway this past week up at Trash Towers we have

- had the architect visit and been extremely excited to think we wouldn't need planning permission but reality soon intruded. (I know I have posted this already but I did say the ecitement was extreme!!!)

- had words with destructoBoy's teacher bc I am sending him to school in tears as he is so bored. Was very restrained about the whole thing and tried to work w her (trust me it isn't easy) but think the older, v . experienced teacher sidling into room on a pretext during meeting AND then contributing more than a little rude and quite odd.

- been pondering the balance of letting daughter attend much desired sleepover vs not wishing her to watch 'Zombieland' movie OR 'Sun, sea & sex' tv programme.

- been gobsmacked at friend thinking it funny to point out on Facebook that she thinks I talk to much. Perhaps I do love but there is a time and place is all I am saying.

- watched OMD become increasingly wobbly-headed and unsteady. Think he may have had another episode. Current in-house theory is extreme cold exacerbates his condition.

- found job to apply for. Right field, close-by, not ridiculous hours. All this adds up to me being unlikely to get it! Never mind, shall send in application anyway.

- have given into the frigging headcold that has been visiting. Am so completely over having to exist on lipbalm and water. Promise that one day my lips will be uncracked?

- made one of Jodie's softies. OK so his head is a little skewiff and I didn't put on the seperate face bit that actually makes him a monkey but d/Boy and I were pleased.

- made a fairy skirt for god-daughter bc it is really only 4yo who will wear the things I make (see note about 'skewiff' above).

- tried to knit lace patterns. With each attempt I manage several rows correctly and then BAM! the whole thing goes wrong. Do you think it is personal?

- had a pedicure AND an eyelash tint. Beautician lady is also teaching assistant at d/Boy's school so indulged in good gossip. Plus tint was free as she was practising for her course. Noice!

- planned day out to Southampton with CK tomorrow. John Lewis, Ikea, Waterstones and as many other nice shops as I can fit into the available time there. Damn you school pick-up necessity!

- made biscuits AND cake for school cake stall.

- had lunch with lovely friends in gorgeous cottage. Some people just have the magic touch with design and acessories.

- been with a friend when she received horrible news.

- , as always, taken time to be grateful and appreciative of the small things that make up life.

Wishing you all a fabulous February.

You know, you might not want me as a friend.

Gave an old friend a lift up the hill from school this morning. Because you know, it is a very tall hill and school is at the bottom and slowly I am convincing her to be as lazy as me.

We sat outside her house chatting for a few minutes when she said something along the lines of "Oh it is awful, 'BabySpeak' has turned into a terrible tomboy just now. I am forever having to say to her - stop shouting in the house, move gently, oh do try and be just a little bit feminine."

When I had gathered my wits back from the deep recesses of my mind where they had fled in simple self-protection I turned and looked at her with, what I hoped was, a compassionate face. I say hoped but have a sneaking suspicion it was absolute shock.

The words "She is completely feminine." came from my mouth, which is quite good as my brain was thinking 'Why are you fucking with this SIX yo child's sense of self and exploration of her personality?'. Since she was captive next to me in the (very) confined spaces of Maria I gave a her a little lecture all the while trying not to sound too emphatic.

I recognise there may have been an element of projection on my part.

I was always that kid who was too loud. When I got to the single sex school (age eight) I was the one who spent years being told to sit with my knees together (in my defence we wore trousers) and behave in a more gentle manner - and this was by the other girls! Always being told to be more helpful by our 'sainted' nuns. I was the girl who would stand out the front and disagree with someone, even in primary school. Given the option I wore shorts and jeans rather than skirts and dresses, in fact sometimes even not given the option I did it anyway. I had short hair, my nails were ragged (and still are) and clothes are not and never really have been a driver in my life.

I guess the moral here is - if you ping my sensitive spots I will bite. So if you still want to go ahead and apply for friendship status you have been warned!

So ... this Christmas present ...

After many many years of waiting and thinking and planning it seems that reality is defintely being split asunder. My Christmas present from CK this year was the go ahead to do the kitchen extension that is so desperately required.

And really really wanted.



A lot!

And it seems, despite possibly my experience to the contrary, that man has just two speeds - sofa and GO! Only two weeks into the new year and we have the funding in place, an architect nearly lined up, a more in-depth knowledge of our local planning office than I would have believed possible and a general agreement on what 'we' want from this build. Please bear in mind when you read this that it is nearly 13 years since we moved in and this has been fermenting for me for at least 11 of those. Oh hell! Who am I trying to kid? 13 of those.

So this is our New Year jaunt, our step into the abyss of 'newbies extending the house', my definition of hope and sheer bloody-mindedness. Come watch the renovation car crash here in Trash TV.

Going to need loooooooots of help when the time comes for layout, design, etc, etc.
Feel free to pitch in as you see fit. I am listening to everything.

Aaaaaak! IRS closes in.

I had a brown envelope yesterday. It said Intenal Revenue Service (Claims Division) on the back.

My heart beat really quite fast.

I don't pay tax any more. Haven't for a long time.

I rang the number and listened while they played clinkly, tinkly music and apologised for making me wait but that someone would be with me as soon as they could.

Neither the apology nor the clinkly, tinkly music slowed my heart rate down.

After 23 minutes and 17 seconds Alistair answered the phone.

"May I have your National Insurance number?"

"No but I have a pretty code you sent me."

"That will do. Are you employed or self-employed?"

"Well, neither. And that is the issue. You have sent me a demand saying I have to have filed a tax return AND paid it by Jan 31. And I haven't needed a tax form for TWO whole tax years!

"When you were employed was it self-employment?"

"Yes. And my accountant sorted everything out and had me fill in forms that informed you I was no longer-self-employed when he did my last tax return"

"And what did you do?"

"Childminder." (How on earth is this useful and why are you not panicking at my imminent financial collapse and ensuing disgrace at being a tax-dodger Alastair?)

"I'll just put you on hold a minute if that is ok?"

"I suppose it wi(CLICK as the phone goes mute) ll have to be..."

"Right then, I have checked it out with my supervisor and there seems to have been some error. My screen is showing that you are no longer self-employed and that all the appropriate documents have been signed and filed."

"Wait. So this means I do not have to have anything returned to you or paid out by January 31?"

"That is correct. You are not due to fill in a tax return for this year or for last year."

"Thank you Alastair you have slowed my heart rate considerably. Now, would you like one of the children I already possess or would you like me to make you a new one?"

(It is not that I don't trust the deep and true relationship that Alastair and I established but I documented everything including what time we spoke straight on to the tax demand and have it pinned in plain sight until I am sure things are resolved. That may be sometime around June at this rate!)

Finally, with no further delay, the Christmas post.

I was the very fortunate recipient of a Christmas parcel from Ilene.

I have used her picture as a) my camera is still on strike, it will take images but refuses to download them and b) CK packed all the decs up before I remembered my 'new' phone has a whizzy camera. But you can see she made an amazing origami tree all decorated with bells and beads. I examined it hanging in the window several times over Christmas and I still can't figure out which bits are folded to where. A very clever piece of sewing magic.

Ilene also made a napkin holder, placing inside some Australian floral napkins which brought a smile to my Antipodean face as did the mahoosive bag of Snickers which I got to enjoy all to myself as no one else up here has the good taste I do ;-)

Do you see the lil angel beside the tree? This was the ornament I got to open before Christmas. And finally there was a calendar. An Australian calendar. Funny how it always works out that I get to open a calendar on the 25th. And this year I shall definitely be needing one to keep track of my Christmas present from CK.

What is it?

Oh, it would be a whole blog of its own given the chance but it will settle for an introductory post all to itself. Stay tuned.

Perhaps the hardest letter I have ever had to write.

23.12.10

Trash Towers.

Dear Paracetemol,

we have been good friends for many years. You have been my place of refuge in times of real stress and crisis. When things have got terribly heated and I have been left shaking you have been my rock

But I feel that something has happened between us in this last week. Was it something I said? Or didn't say? You no longer seem to agree with me as much as you used to. This saddens me greatly and has made the last few days difficult to live through, for the other residents of Trash Towers as much as me.

While I do not wish to lose touch with you completely I think it will be beneficial to us both if contact is reduced for while. Perhaps distance will give perspective and we can start the New Year off on a better footing

With much love and gratitude,

Trash.


P.S. This decision has nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that I have met and seemingly clicked with Ibuprofen. Honest.

Officially Marooned at Trash Towers!

Have just had word that all of the roads leading to the Outside World from up here on The Hill have been closed.

I feel a bit like Captain Oates.

We may be gone sometime.